Advice for Women - Men Who Avoid or Lack Interest in Sex
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Advice for Women - Men Who Avoid or Lack Interest in Sex

This article was written as a response to the question: My Boyfriend Avoids Sex. He's Often Reluctant to Make Love.
There comes a time in many of our lives, when we realize that we have a desire for more physical affection then our male counterparts. Society plays upon and dramatizes the lustful nature of masculine energy and makes it seem like men should be lapping it up if we're giving it freely. Yet, it seems like there are some men (whom may be encountered in long-term and short term relationships) who just don't appear to have any serious interest in super-sensual encounters.

There comes a time in many of our lives, when we realize that we have a desire for more physical affection then our male counterparts. Society plays upon and dramatizes the lustful nature of masculine energy and makes it seem like men should be lapping it up if we're giving it freely. Yet, it seems like there are some men (whom may be encountered in long-term and short term relationships) who just don't appear to have any serious interest in super-sensual encounters.

Most women, when faced with a partner who lacks any desire to be physically intimate, start to dissect themselves and analyze all their inner facets, hoping there is some answer there. And I can tell you as a woman who has been with men with varying ranges of sex drive, that it's not always from a lack of confidence or insecurity - it would just plain be easier if there were something about ourselves that we could change to get our men interested in intimacy, foreplay and other pleasurable activities.

Lose some weight? No problem.

Become more active and interesting? Yup.

Get some new clothes? Sure, it never hurts.

Change my own perspective about life? Why not?

Activitely listen to him, laugh at his jokes, look irresistible? Of Course!

Learn about and introduce new and fun night time activities? Done!

There are a hundred things we women already think about changing in ourselves, don't we? And as I said before, it's really not always about confidence or desperation. We want to be the best person we can be anyways, and if being a better girlfriend or wife means being more motivated towards what we already know needs to be changed, why not go for it? It's a heck of a lot easier then trying to pin our men down, use our amazing powers of psychological analyzing and diagnosing to figure out what in the world is wrong with him that he isn't interested in a woman who is ready, waiting and totally devoted to him. Heck, women all over the globe spend billions of dollars a year on personal development and self improvement techniques including, but not limited to:

  • Physical Improvements (weight lose, cosmetic surgery, corrective surgery, etc...)
  • Emotional Improvements  (counseling, therapy, self-help books, relationship coaching, etc..)
  • Spiritual Improvements (motivation, career changes, going back to school, finding religion, leaving religion)

Now, it's not the only reason, but I bet you already know that most of the reason women seek these kinds of self improvement, are not because they are just that innately success driven - nope, it's because they are in love, they are frustrated and they are trying to win the positive physical affections of their men (or the man they want to attract). And I'm not trying to dirty up the success of countless woman who may be upset that I've outed many of them. The point I am trying to get at, is that we woman have power. We can be successful at any goal we set in front of ourselves. We have this power because we are ever so able to fit into any mold, shape or foundation we want to, just like the water that so often symbolizes feminine energy. We can gracefully become that seductive bedroom valkyrie, then quickly come out moments later as the devoted domestic goddess ready to sweep away stress, keep the house clean and have those bills paid on time. Swan, princess, ugly duckling. We have them all covered and then some, all thanks to our unique feminine ability to adapt and grow.

This power has afforded us the ability to help mankind make it through famines, droughts and screaming babies. The only thing it cannot afford us, is the window into our men's psyche. At least... Not without some help and insight to send us in the right direction. I know as well as you do, that once you have the scent on the trail you need to travel to win you're man's affections, often that is the only thing that is needed. So to help you find the clues you need to uncover the secret behind your man's lack of sexual interest, I'm going to take you through the three basic categories of why men avoid or lack interest in sex.

  • Emotional

All humans are driven by six basic emotional needs: Certainty, Variety, Significance, Connection (love), Growth and Contribution. We all have these drives, though each gender, as well as each person will have different priority levels for each need. To generalize, woman are more driven by their needs for Connection, Growth and Contribution - whereas men are predominately motivated by Significance, Certainty and Connection. The order makes a big difference here especially. As you can see, one of the top three needs that men and woman both prioritize, is Connection. Though we seek and process it in different ways. When need that connection first, that psycho-physical response that is both physical and emotional. Men on the other hand, very much need that same connection, though they very often only feel a connection if they feel Significant to themselves and their partner. We women don't necessarily have to feel significant first, because the moment we make that Connection - we automatically feel Significant. What drives us more is Certainty - women want to feel Certain that they will continue to feel that Connection that makes them feel Significant. Men on the other hand, are beings who think in the moment. They aren't worried about whether or not they will feel Significant tomorrow, they are only concerned with whether or not they feel Significant right now. This is part of why men are so bad at planning ahead or getting details. It's not that they don't have any interest in the details or that they don't want to make plans, it's mostly because they are creatures of Variety, even if it's not usually prioritized as a top need. It goes along with being "in the moment" - if you're always in the moment, and you don't dwell on the past or future unless forced to, then there is always variety - it becomes second nature.

You're man isn't even aware that he should be concerned that you've been upset for a week due to his lack of attention and affection for you in the past few weeks, months or years - he only knows that you're upset now, and that makes him feel Uncertain. He's not certain why you're upset right now. He's not certain if he already did something wrong or if there is something he should be doing that would make it right. He's not certain what he means to you when you're mad, and all that makes him feel insignificant. Men base most of their identities on what is certain in their lives and what is certain about themselves. When they know what the problem is, they can fix it, and being able to solve the problems means they are significant.

Growth being a woman's second most prime motivator, we seek to know how things were, how they are and any potential of what they might become. We think about the last time he touched or kissed us. We wonder when the next time will be that he'll come home with eyes only for us. We over-analyze the lack of attention and affection in our present situations. We obsess over the health of our relationships in a similar way that a farmer obsesses about his crops. The crop must grow if it is to produce enough seeds to grow another crop, and on throughout the cycle of life - just as our relationships need to grow and produce seed to continue the cycle. The plant in our relationship is Contentment and the seeds are Love. Women, in a sense, see the bigger picture. We see what has been, what is and what could be. Men, being mostly in the immediate moment, don't often think about anything further out then the week. If they stretched their imaginations much further than that, they would start to feel uncertain again, which would bring back that feeling of insignificance. For women, future planning isn't just easy, it's a necessity. For men, such concepts are often very overwhelming.

And it's important to understand, that by feeding their needs for Significance and Certainty, men are best able to fulfill their needs for Connection. For all humans, Connection is the emotion that causes us to experience what is often thought of as "love". It's those times when we really feel connected to another human being. It's those times when we feel most understood through that connection with another human being, that we feel most like we are also connected with ourselves. Both men and women have this as a main need, though for men, the connection is formed and structured around feeling significant and certain. Women seek the connection first, which brings them the feeling that their relationship with their partner is growing, and allows them to fulfill their need to contribute and take care of their men.

Due to the nature of masculine energy, men already get plenty of Variety, Growth and Contribution - so they seek what they need for balance. Women are the same with their respective emotional needs. It is by truly getting an understanding for these basic needs, that you can begin to understand the emotional basis for why a man would avoid or lack an interest in intimacy or sexual activities. To summarize, if a man is not consistently meeting his needs for significance, certainty and connection, it can cause havoc through many parts of his life. It could be that:

  • He's struggling to make ends meet at work and at home with the bills, and even if you've told him it's alright, he still feels inadequate and that has effected his interest in sensual activities.
  • He doesn't feel certain that he wants to stay in the relationship because it no longer makes him feel significant (which is the most common reason why men cheat).
  • He's already decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but isn't sure how to go about breaking things off with you without hurting you or himself in the process.
  • You're an independent woman who does nearly everything for herself and he feels like you really only need him for sex, so he's passive-aggressively avoiding any intimate contact with you to see if you'll leave him for it.
  • He's going through his mid-life crisis and is rethinking everything in his life on a very profound level, including his relationship with you.
  • You somehow emasculated him either in private or in front of others, and his ego is injured.
  • He's experiencing some sort of peer pressure from friends, co-workers or family.
  • He's been emotionally injured in previous relationships and is being extra cautious now.
  • He believes you are being unfaithful to him, or might become unfaithful and is distancing himself.

There are more emotional reasons that could be behind his lack of desire or interesting in intimacy, though these would be the most common. If you don't feel any of these fit, use them as the stepping stone to help you uncover what's going on in his head. Research the 6 Basic Human needs and then remind yourself that your man holds all the answers, but he doesn't realize it.

  • Physical

Yes, we are all complex human beings with delicate parts and pieces, but there is not one person on this great green earth who can deny that we have physical parts that have needs, desires and drives of their own. They always work together with our emotional and spiritual selves, but they have many of their own basic functions that can either help or inhibit our romantic activities.

I can tell you that most men who seriously have a health problem that would literally stop them from being intimate with you, are likely to tell you about it. The only time they aren't going to, is if they previously tried and you told them to suck it up and stop whining or if they grew up believing it was a weakness to be ill, sick or not able to function completely as a man. Clearly, those are both emotionally based problems, and either way, most women are easily able to pinpoint the subtle differences between emotionally rooted and physically founded sexual problems.

A man who has a low libido might be less interested in sex then he used to be, but he isn't going to just stop being interested all together one day and he is likely to keep pursuing you in the same manner he used to, even as the physical problem starts to get in the way more often (unless some emotional problems crop up). The same goes for other issues such as:

  • Prostate cancer (and other dysfunctions)
  • Poor overall health (bad diet, over weight, stress, etc...)
  • Hormonal imbalances
  • Heart problems
  • Addictions

If a man has any of these issues, you are going to be aware of it either through his regular checks up and visits to the doctor, or through his general demeanor and appearance. If it's a hormonal imbalance or problem, he's going to be very moody and emotional (among other things). If it's a prostate problem such as cancer, his overall health is going to start going down hill together, and not just in the libido department. If it's a problem with overindulgence in one form or another (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc...), those are going to have some pretty obvious indicators. And, if worse comes to worse, and you're concerned that your mans lack of interest or avoidance of sex is a physical problem but you can't tell for sure, drag him down to see a doctor.

There are of course, other physical problems that can affect a mans desire to be intimate when the opportunity is ripe. Some of those things might be:

  • Exhaustion (work, sports, projects, etc...)
  • Loss of biological attraction for his partner (even if he's still "in love")

One thing that is rarely seen as a cause for lack of interest in or avoid of intimacy, is the idea that he might be meeting his physical needs with another partner outside of the relationship. It's ironic that most people believe that a man who is cheating, wouldn't have the energy to also be physical with his partner, though the truth is, unless he has more than a dozen partners in a night, he's actually more likely to be intimate with his partner if he's cheating. Men realize that most woman jump to the conclusion that they are cheating if the sex disappears, and since that is usually an easy thing for a man to control (given there are no other emotional or physical problems) he keeps up with the physical affection to maintain the appearance that nothing else is going on. Now, I'm not going to say you won't notice any differences in the way he is physically affection with you, but the lack of interest or avoidance is usually a sign of deeper emotional or health related problems. As state above, most men cheat because of a lack of fulfillment for their emotional need to feel significant, not because they are planting their seeds in multiple partners.

  • Spiritual

We all have connections with each other that are spiritual in nature. There are two types - there is the religious-philosophical connections, and then there are energetic quantum-sympathetic connections. These connections are part of what creates and maintains the 'chemistry' we have between each other. Even if the biological and emotional connections are there, if we don't have compatible spiritual connections, the relationship will never pan out. Though, given the stubborn nature of our species, we often find ourselves entangled with partners who are not spiritually compatible for us. Either they don't carry enough common and/or difference philosophies or they just don't have a complimentary 'vibe'.

It make take some time, but both partners eventually find out that there is no way around this lack of spiritual connection. Often, it is the men who recognize the lack of connection between him and his partner, and women usually see it later on. This can often result in a man who has mentally and emotionally already left the relationship, and a woman who is trying to figure out what happen to her relationship with her man. It isn't until he's physically separated himself that she takes the time to step back and analyze the relationship. This usually follows with the end of the relationship either by the man leaving abruptly or by the woman recognizing there never was much of a spiritual connection to build upon in the first place, even if all the other factors were in place.

If your mans lack of sexual desire is driven by a lack of connection to you, it might not be as obvious at first, but you'll start to notice that his distance gets further and further. Any attempts at building or reaffirming that connection will likely end up backfiring and pushing him further away. If he doesn't feel the connection, and he's already formed a deep relationship with you, he doesn't want to confuse you or himself more. His goal is to get closer to the end of the relationship, not tie himself into it even more. If you find that this is the issue that is causing your man to avoid intimate moments with you, then it's time to make the choice - are you going to waste any more effort on a guy who not only doesn't feel a connection with you anymore, but isn't even interested in trying? Or are you going to open yourself up to the countless opportunities where you could meet a man who not only has a strong spiritual connection with you, but is totally interested in exploring and maintaining that connection? Clearly, the second option holds way more bliss in it for you than the first.

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