What You Should Understand And Know If You Want A Sexual Relationship With A Former Rape Victim
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What You Should Understand And Know If You Want A Sexual Relationship With A Former Rape Victim

The hard facts on the trauma rape can cause, also physically and what future partners should consider.

People who have been raped, often face trouble in building up healthy romantic relationships. Often with the abuse of their sexual integrity, a part of their self-esteem died.

Many former rape victims that do regain their self-esteem, are hard to handle. They suffer scars and for many love candidates, they might be very hard to understand and impossible to live with. Not all partners might be loving and understanding. 

Many victims got raped by trusted loved one, as a partner, a friend, a neighbor, even a father or a brother, which makes them people who do have a problem in trusting people.

Often do rape victims end up in abusive relationships. Especially women who got raped as virgins do get a twisted view on sex and intimacy. They might feel that they need to present themselves as lust objects and do not dare to say no, since they fear the consequences.

This makes them easy targets. They have learned to give in, if they are willing to live. It is hard to say no, when you love somebody, or when you are threatened by a weapon, or simply been ran over before you had a chance to defend yourself.

Yes, people who have been abused at and early age, get a wrong image on sex and intimate relationships. Often might they not be able to cope with it and a person dating an ex rape victim might have to face the fact that he or she ends up with a partner that is sexually blocked or does fake sexual feelings.

This does not mean that this person does not love you or does not want sex, but there might be some things to consider, especially concerning women.

Keep in mind that rape might also effect women physically. It may cause harm to the nerves in the vagina which might make women unable to have a vaginal orgasm.

This is because an unwilling victim to penetration is tensed and the force by which a rapist gets on his victim, might tear the vagina. When the victim is still a virgin and/or very young, this is extremely painful and can cause permanent damage to the tissue when not treated proper. Also might this causes a lot of bleeding and in some extreme cases a girl might bleed to death from a vaginal tear during rape.

One of the things is that scars might also occur in the vagina and this might cause painful spots while having sex later. Or it might make the woman unable to feel anything of a penetration, even when she might want it.

This might also be due to deliveries, but in the modern era, many women who deliver a baby, do not tear naturally and uncontrolled. When the birth channel is too narrow, a caesarian will be performed, or a doctor will cut the vagina in a place where it might cause least damage and stitch it to make it heal better.

Many rape victims do not dare to go to a doctor. This might cause infections that can lead to infertility and in extreme cases to death.

So rape is not just hard on a victim mentally, but also physically. Yes, you may have to face the fact that you might be dating a woman that has suffered severe sexual trauma and that might need to be handled with care.

Keep in mind that getting pushy is not an option. Your date might give in, but it might not be to please herself, but to please you.

Also when you date a guy that has been a victim of pedophilia, you may consider he might have a problem in expressing himself further than just a hug.

The best thing is that partners should talk to each other. Sexual abuse is not something you should keep from your partner and something that should be dealt with respect and care.

If both partners were victims of abuse, understanding might be easier, but for many outsiders, it is hard to live with a former rape victim.

It takes a lot of time, love and a dedicated mind only few have, to have a great, lasting relationship with a partner that has been sexually abused.

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Comments (6)

This is a factoid filled with facts. Thanks for this useful addition to insightful material.

This was great. With love and sensitivity from their partners, these victims can once again develop healthy relationships!

Beautifully written, sensitive article. I hope many rape victims or their partners read this. My cousins daughter was raped by her step Father at the age of 6. We didn't find out until she was 25, she is in a loving relationship now but she can never have children because of the damaged caused. The step father is now in prison. I have no more votes but will buzz this great article

Good article written with great sensitivity.

Thanks for the nice feedback, people.

I'm sorry, what?!  This article is awfully misinformed and disempowering to rape survivors.  Although seemingly meant well, it's dotted with misgivings that discredit the recovery process.

To suggest one is "hard to handle," is basically implying a survivor needs to be "managed", as if they're incapable of addressing their own needs and desires and their behaviour could unexpectedly and inexpicably go off the rails. Because being handled worked out spectacularly well in the past, huh? Perhaps we didn't learn our lesson? We should be hard to handle, dammit. Someone has forcibly taken the most intimate symbol of our very being, if that doesn't make you want to scream and shout then it's time to re-assess our moral code.

Your information on the physical after-effects is spot on, but incomplete.  Survivors might also experience nightmares and flashbacks.  It may be triggered by a date, a smell, a passing comment, a song.. the body is physiologically capable of remembering minute details of a traumatic event, years after the fact.  A n innocent hand movement could trigger a rush of flooding memories, no one wants to relive that whilst attempting intimacy with a current partner. Women may experience menstrual disturbances.  Men could struggle to achieve, or maintain an erection.  One might suffer black outs during intercourse, or lapses in memory.  It might be difficult to dissasociate the current, loving experience with the former violent one.  Alcohol or drugs might be used to help dull the pain.  There may be little to no family or peer support.  Or actually, they may just recover perfectly well in their own time and go on to thoroughly enjoy intimacy, that's okay too.

To finish with, "it takes a lot of time, love and a dedicated mind only few have" suggests we are fragile, rare, misunderstood and broken creatures that need careful treatment, lest we might break.  No, it takes an ordinary human, with an ordinary moral compass and a typical reaction to rape, to show compassion and patience and learn from the survivor to set the pace at which they feel comfortable.  Nobody is comfortable with this topic, but it takes unconditional love, not "a dedicated mind only few have", to seek understanding and support your lover on their journey to recovery. Am I to wait until one of these rare few shall show up on his steed in shining armour?

Your article focused on the difficulty of forming intimate relationships with a survivor, you don't talk about how rewarding it might be should you let them set a pace they feel comfortable with.  With nothing more than ordinary love and patience, you'll likely find survivors are often amongst the toughest souls you'll ever meet, compassionate, understanding, determined and emotionally mature, although at times quite vulnerable.  Someone who has taken the arduous task of recovering from this, very personal journey, will likely be very selective in their choice of partner.  And you can bet they are every bit worth hanging around for.

Quit the victim blaming, stop categorizing survivors into this rare breed that needs careful handling.. we are one in three, get used to us.

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